You asked me if I'd make it better ;Asked me if we could grow old together.But you don't mean a thing to me,So I'll walk by quite happily.And now I guess that you've moved on as well.Understand me, take me fullyUnderground where I can not be found.Understand me, take me fullyUnderground where I can not be found.- Pickpocket, Kate Nash
Okay. We all have our moments when we're sure we might die because Anthony didn't ask us to the spring fling and went out partying with that slut Ashley instead. But sometimes, when we have a conflict with our neurotransmitters or a mental disorder (term used lightly 'round these quarters), we go way over board. and we often have fights with people who mean the most to us. It isn't just because they don't understand. It's greatly because you don't.
I'll give you an example:
Who remembers Savannah and Joe? Well, I've become very nice friends with Savannah; yes, the enemy. And Joe and I . . . we aren't on the same page lately. I'll explain him later. Anyhow, I knew it would be the last chance Joe would ever give me. And when I blew it (I swear I don't even know what I did, but I'm sure I didn't mean it), I could barely stand. Seriously. I felt all tingly, because he is my first love and [was] my best friend. I truly doubt I could survive a fortnight without him. He was everything. I ran to my best friend since cradle years, naturally. We shall call her Allison. Well, I have gone to Allison more times than I can remember when I was upset about Joe (given, she was a mutual friend who could get him to talk to me).
I knew Allison was tired of talking about Joe. I knew it annoyed her, and I understood it all rather well. But I thought she would do me a favor if I'm at my road's end (that is almost crying and eating your weight in Rollos'). But she just had a break down too. Of the anger genre, however. She full on snapped like a snow pea. It wasn't pretty.
She started with "All I hear lately is Joe this and Joe that." That was rather obnoxious in my little opinion. Because it's not true. And I talk about Joe because he's the only part of my life she can help (not talk through. But help. She can't cure me or make me extroverted). Allison then told me to try to be happy. Like I don't try to get out and get better and accept life or get over him given all the times he's made me cry. I don't try as hard as I should but don't you ever say I'm not trying. . . . Anyone depressed should understand that. Yeah?
Well, while I was, in my opinion at the least, reasonably mad, I did tell her off more than I probably should have. I was completely taken aback. Here was this girl, my best friend for 14 of my 15 years of my life, telling me that one of my very nauseating insecurities is annoying and that she's done helping. I tell her, at first, that I just can't talk to her at the moment. I knew that if I did, I'd snap back rather sassily. I'd have told her off in some rides remarks I'd never imagine meaning. But she can't believe I'm leaving the conversation.
A mistake I somehow overlooked was telling her that I may not talking to her for a while.
I learned later that she didn't fully know the complex mind of someone without serotonin. She didn't realize how bipolar I am and how I say a lot of stuff spur-of-the-momently.
Typically, my know-me-rather-well friends tell me to calm down before talking to them again, or they won't reply, because I just go modeling-bitch on them. Total ballistics. Well, maybe not ballistic.
Somewhere between a saucy chihuahua and a mother bear.
From last night, I've learned that I need to stop myself before hand. I need to think everything through thoroughly and use introspect even more (I use it most of the time, unless I'm pushing irate).
So, to all you bipolar bears, depressed groundhogs, anxious turtles, back talking parrots, and neurotic owls: Let's all think it through before losing someone we really need.
I wrote this in a rather uncomfortable position (80 pound dog in my lap..)
PLEASE HAVE A GREAT DAY. MMMMWAH.
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